Adolescent Psychoanalysis

Leading and Following

Chapter 16

Part 4

Tuesday

“This isn’t as comfortable as I thought it would be.” She said.

“The chair? Laying that way?” I asked.

“Yeah. Not at all.” She said.

“Speaking of comfort. Just out of curiosity, what do you think the purpose of the cause you are pursuing to try to get at me? To get under my skin? Make me uncomfortable. I’m not sure what it is.” I said.

“I don’t know. I think I like to piss people off. I’m really into shock value. I like to do things. I like to test people. See how much I can do before they snap.” She said.

“Why do you think? You like to test people. You push them until they push away. What’s the point?” I asked.

“What’s funny is that, you’re going to laugh at me, but this is like the only way I can put it. Jim Morrison was the same way. He was fuck’in crazy but he was a genius. But he was fuck’in crazy.” She said.

“Morrison?” I asked.

“He just would do… Do you know anything about him?” She asked.

“A little.” I said.

“You know, he would do the most insane things for shock value. To see how much he could do to you before you would go away. To see if you would ‘go all the way.’ The only the person of course who would do that, was his wife. He would do shit like that. He would do crazy shit to see if you’d walk away, and he’s dead. She said.

“How do you tell? If you are doing that, ‘going all the way’, being dead, to see if they’ll ‘go all the away’. If you’re dead, how would you know if they’d have snapped”. I said.

“How are you ever going to tell? Good question” She said.

“If he’s going to be there, because you’re going to keep doing things. Okay, so you do one more, and he’s still there. Was your triple threat suicide attempt like that? And if so, who was to go ‘all the way? Or ‘snap’” I asked.

“Why do you think he’s fuck’in dead? Dude. That’s my point. It’s not the healthiest thing. Look it’s 6 feet under at 28. Should have died 3 years later.” She said.

“27?” I said.

“Nice.” She said.

“Just to show you…” I said.

“What? No one here gets out alive?” She said.

“That is your plan. Push things until your dead?. And I’m dead” I asked

“We’re the Jim Morrison of…” I said.

“No we’re not. That’s just the only way I could put it. You know he used to walk around after Jimmy and Janis were gone, he’d say, ‘you’re looking at number 3.’ He would just do stupid shit like that. Like chasing Nico around, from the Velvet Underground. When they went to New York. He slept with her too. He would chase her around and around the courtyard and shit like that.” She said.

“Velvet Underground?” I said.

“Yeah. I know you know them. You’re just being coy. John Kale, Lou Reed and Nico. He would do the same shit. He would do all this shit to people to try and push them away. To see how far they would go. I do the same thing. I’ve lost faith in people. I do that I think.” She said.

“They’ll fuck you over. Yeah. I’m hell bent on being right.” She said.

“Remember your ‘hope burns eternal’ hope. Do you think this would be an example—-you’re killing yourself. And you’re tough. Three what appear genuine serious suicide attempts: one tree and two bags of tyelenol. Were they that, suicide attempts, or you just trying to see, even though you’re dead, who would still be around” I asked.

“Yeah. Exactly. Hope does burn eternal. I will continue to push away and I will continue to hope.” She said.

End