Adolescent Psychoanalysis

(Anonymous comments may be left by clicking the response button at the end of each section)

 

Next Chapter: “Cogito ergo Cogito” (I think therefore I think) - Descartes proves the chapter exists.

 

Psycho-Analysts Ask—Conjunction Junction What’s Your Function?

Chapter 10

Part 4

 

One day later than last session. Severe worries about mental health problems.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I told you this either. We were at XXX residential treatment and it was career week. This cop came and when he walked in everyone got all tense. ‘Fuck there’s a cop here.’ He starts talking and my friend Ashley raises her hand and says, ‘I have a question. Why is it that you cops stereotype so much? Like I’m wearing tight pants and I’m on a skateboard. You guys automatically assume that I’m doing drugs’. He says, ‘ think of it this way. When I walked into the room, what did you guys think – cop. But that’s stereotyping. Cause I’m wearing the clothes does not mean that I’m an actual cop.’ I said ‘No. I wear the clothes that I’m a Bro-hoe, but just because I’m a Bro-hoe doesn’t mean I do drugs. Just cause you’re a cop, doesn’t mean you are an asshole cop.’ I was so proud of myself.” She said.

I laughed.

“That cop pissed me off too. He was like ‘officer’ at some point.” She said.

Silence

“Oh god.” She said frustrated. “ I don’t know what to do.”

“It just seems like your mind keeps coming back to that.” I said.

“You mean Ed?” She asked.

“Yeah.” I said.

“Yeah. Plus. Every time I stop talking. I think of Ed. Oh god!! If he doesn’t call me, I’m going to go crazy. (silence) 18 year old boys are so stupid.” She said. (makes frustrated noises)

“Does it seem to you like, if you say negative things about Ed enough, then you’ll think real negative? As opposed to saying them with your fingers crossed?” I said.

“I don’t know. I guess so.” She said dejectedly.

“If your mother were to listen to all the things we’ve been talking about, would that confirm in her mind, the diagnosis of borderline?” I asked.

“Do you think I’m borderline? Honestly? I won’t get mad.” She said.

“Borderline?” I asked.

“Does that mean No? “ She asked.

“What features do your mom and you use to define ‘borderline’?” I said.

“She said a lot. Well there’s noticing every little thing, being clingy.” She said.

“These are your things about being borderline? Or hers?” I asked.

“No, hers. She read all about it. She has books. Books, books, and books. She has more books on bipolar than borderline. She studies up on them.” She said.

“So sometimes she calls you borderline and sometimes bipolar.” I said.

“No, she says I’m both.” She said.

“What are her diagnoses?” I asked.

“Bipolar, borderline. There’s other stuff. I just can’t remember. She’s diabetic.” She said.

“That’s not a mental health diagnosis” I laughed.

“They tried to diagnosis me with an anxiety disorder. That, I kind of agreed with, but she said (in a nasally voice) ‘no, she’s bipolar and borderline’. It’s true. ADHD I was diagnosed with. He gave me a bunch of packets on that.” She said.

“Should we add in ADHD to you? Or do you think that whole thing was bogus?” I asked.

“I thought that whole thing was bullshit.” She said.

“So we won’t add that.” I said.

“I think I might be ADD, but not ADHD. I’m the most tired person without coffee. I’m like this today because I had coffee. Today, after school I will be knocked out. I sleep after school.” She said.

“So if the XXX residential treatment program psychiatrist was here and he saw that, he would say ‘do you have ADHD?’” I asked.

“Basically. But it’s really hard for me to concentrate in school. Unless I really like it. Like in choir I like it a lot, so I really concentrate. But in scrap-booking, I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying. It’s like ‘what are we doing again?’ But she hates repeating herself and she’s ……” She said.

“I take it that even though you think your mother keeps diagnosing you and some doctors and we keep joking, that you really are worried about something being wrong with you, some mental thing.” I said.

“Wouldn’t you”? She said.

Silence

“I’m scrap-booking in school now.” She said.

“Who’s teaching scrap-booking?” I asked.

“Mrs. Jones.” She answered.

“What do you do in scrap-book?” I asked.

“We make little designs on paper and then put pictures on top of the designs.” She said.

“What pictures?” I asked.

“Like me, or my friends, my family, my dog, or something. I have a whole bunch of pictures in here. She told me to bring them so I brought them.” She said.

Silence

“Oh my god!!” We both start laughing. “I told you, everytime I stop talking. …. My stomach hurts. This is why I think I have anxiety.” She said.

“How about this? You obsess about him. Why don’t we call you Obsessive too?” I asked.

“Is there an Obsessive disorder?” She asked.

“Yes. “ I said.

“Really?” she asked.

“Sure. I’m not saying you are. You might tell your mother and she might want to add that to the list. She doesn’t believe in anxiety disorder.” I teased.

“No. She’d just tie it somehow to borderline.” She said.

“So for her, she will diagnosis borderline pretty much if anything comes along, she’ll include it in with borderline.” I said.

“Yeah. Well, I don’t know. Another reason why she says I’m bipolar is because my dad is too.” She said.

“According to whom?” I asked.

“According to her and the doctor. His brother is taking meds for it. My dad doesn’t take meds for it. He refuses to believe it. Pot doesn’t help.” She said.

“I take it that your father’s ‘problems’ give you even more worries about your state of mental health?” I said

“Like I said, wouldn’t you?” She said

Silence

She laughs.

“You better keep talking.” I said.

“I have to pee.” She said.

“Well, at least you are talking. Like you said if you talk you don’t think about Ed which drives you crazy”. I said.

“Yeah, thinking about peeing helps….this sucks….later.” She said.

(Anonymous comments may be left by clicking the response button at the end of each section).

 

Psycho-Analysts Ask—Conjunction Junction What’s Your Function?

Chapter 10

Part 3

New players, new solutions, old solutions, defensive about XXX residential treatment program, and worry about what mother thinks, which she never worried about before about something that sees trivial. And much more details about everything—friends, drugs, police, etc.

Session one day later.

“Hey” I said.

“Not everyone I know went to xxx (residential treatment)”, she laughed.

“Embarrassed about xxx (residential treatment)?” I asked.

“No. Like Trisha. We weren’t in the same grade but I would sleep over and we were the best friends.” She said.

“And she didn’t go to xxx?” I teased.

“I have people in my top 8 that didn’t go to xxx. “ She laughed

“Well so far you’ve mentioned 8 people and 7 of them were at xxx” I said.

“yeah. But not all.” She laughed.

“They call it a top 8 but you can make it a top 24. I have at top 12.” She explained.

“You told me it was a top 8” I said.”

“They call it a top 8. That’s just what they call it because you used to only be able to put 8 people on it. And then Tom, the person who created MySpace, he put it so that you could put 24. I wrote to him a lot at xxx.” She laughed.

“8 out of 24 or 12 or 500. Are you sure Mike didn’t design this by any chance?” I laughed.

“Mike, my therapist?” she said laughing. “no.”

“Sounds like Mike.” I said.

“No. You gotta be kidding. He couldn’t be ever that smart. Tom’s cool. You can ask him questions.” She said.

“How do you get to Tom?” I asked.

“You email him. It takes a while for him to get back to you. ‘cause he’s the creator of MySpace and everyone emails him.” She said.

Silence

“It’s so stupid! Oh. (silence). I hope he calls me! He’s losing me fast. Though maybe it’s the other way around. If he loves me as much as he says he does, or did, or I don’t know what you call it.” She said.

“Either he does, he doesn’t? What’s the other one?” I asked.

Silence.

“I don’t think I told you this. I got all of Ed’s crap together in my room, his pictures, his letters, his cologne, his flower thingies, all the things he gave me, and I put them in a bag and I’m going to give it to his aunt to give to him. And I’m going to put a note in there that says ‘if you don’t want your shit, then throw it away’. I threw away all of Tom’s shit because I hate thinking about him and I don’t care about him anymore. ‘I don’t really like thinking about you, but I thought I would give you the option of keeping the things or not. But then this is all shit anyway, right?’ and that’s the letter.” She said.

Sigh of frustration

“I don’t know, I don’t know man. I’m not calling him! I promised. If I don’t keep this promise, I’m gonna hurt myself so bad. I said that this weekend and what do I do? I call him. Maybe I’ll be too busy. I’m seeing some of my friends from xxx, I have the date, I have an orthodontist appointment.” She said.

“Maybe see Tricia. She does E. It’s really bad. She lives right across the street from me. Saturday, I snuck out and went to across the street to her house. She starts crying and keeps saying ‘I can’t believe you’re back, I can’t believe you’re back’. And I said I can’t believe I’m back either. So I go into her house and we’re sitting there talking. She just filled me in on all I’ve missed. Then we played the Ouija board, which was kinda creepy. “ She said.

Silence.

“How’d the Ouija board thing turn out?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It’s kinda creepy.” She said.

“Do you ask the Ouija board questions?” I asked.

“Yeah.” She answered.

“I’m going to take a shot in the dark about what kind of questions did you ask?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s what you think. But also that I snuck out.” She said.

“Oh. Sneak out a big deal” I said.

“My mom would kill me. She doesn’t like her at all. I don’t know why. Yeah I do. Drugs and because she didn’t write me when I was at xxxxx. If I was on drugs, I wouldn’t want to write anybody there. I would write to anyone who wrote to me.” She said.

“Sounds to me you were forming a club, a xxxx veterans and newbie club, going to, have been at xxxxx, who you write to, etc..” I said.

“There is a club.” She said.

“Well, no. I have other friends. Like Jessica. She was with me on my 16th birthday when Tom broke up with me. I was sooo drunk, out of my mind, it wasn’t on my birthday, but technically it was because it was after midnight. So he broke up with me on my birthday. I was so completely gone, I was drunk. I was taking shots. Usually I can take 2 shots of Jack and I’m soo gone. I took 4. I couldn’t think, I was crying hysterically. She picked me and Wendy up and I got into the car and she said ‘are you guys drunk. You’re getting in my car, drunk? I can smell it (alcohol).’ She took us to her house. Just our luck we’re driving to Jessica’s house and check-point. Checkpoint! And she’s ‘oh shit, oh shit.’ What do we do? Stupid her and she turns around and the cops see us. And follows us. She turns into someone’s driveway. He pulls us over and says ‘what are you guys doing? Why did you turn?’ He can see me in the back crying hysterically. And Jen is like ‘we’re wanting for our friend here.’ He says ‘why, have you guys been drinking? Why is she crying?’ Jessica says, ‘it’s her birthday and her boyfriend broke up with her.’ He says ‘ you know what, I’m not going to give you a ticket. I’m going to go home and be with my family and I’m going to go to sleep and I’m going to have a good night.’ And then he got onto his bike and just left.” She said.

(Anonymous comments may be left by clicking the response button at the end of each section).

 

Psycho-Analysts Ask—Conjunction Junction What’s Your Function?

Chapter 10

Part 2

 

Next session, one day later. Mary is obsessed, to put it mildly, with Ed. She is sounding more and more manic. Further, she is massively confused about most everything and everybody. This confusion is not seen at all by her. Everything she says, contradictions, confusions, etc, are not that to her. Everything she says is clear to her. As before, she is telling me her ‘truth’, which changes rapidly, which I keep trying to investigate, with questionable success. However, she keeps on talking (free associations) with little or no censorship, is attached to me, and has a very good sense of humor.

“He drives me crazy.” She said.

“Perhaps what your mom says is that we can have another member of the Borderline club. So you have you, your mom, and Ed.” I said

“Ed is not borderline.” She said.

“What is he? Just crazy?” I laughed.

“He’s very hard headed.” She said.

“So that’s really not a mental health diagnosis.” I said.

“That’s just Ed. (pause) I’m real hard-headed too. That’s the problem, we’re both really hard-headed” she said.

“Well that’s even worse, you’re a hard-headed borderline” I said. She laughs. “ Just out of curiosity, your mother the diagnostician, what does she mean by borderline?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I just try to ignore. She talks to Jessica about it. I just think ‘God, what’s Ed doing.’” She said.

“So your mom and the family just talking about how you are a borderline and you keep talking ‘Hard-headed Ed?’” I asked.

“Sometimes. Even in XXX residential treatment program with Mike, they would talk about borderline stuff and then they would say ‘isn’t that right Mary?’ and I’m just like ‘yeah’. They talk on and on and I’m like day-dreaming off. Eventually they be like ‘do you understand?’ I say yeah. ‘Can you explain a little bit?’ and I pick out a few words I picked up in the conversation and try to make some sense out of it” She said.

“So he was basically talking to himself?” I asked.

“I’m not sure if my mom was listening at all. I’ll have to asked her about it.” She said.

I laughed. “I always confuse people. Mike is the the liar who is slow and stupid and the ‘I want to keep you here until you’re 18 guy.” I said.

“Slow and dumb” she said.

I laughingly apologize. “A liar who’s slow and dumb, not stupid, who wants to keep people there until they’re 18”. I said.

“Yeah.” She said.

“Did you ever ask your mother for a diagnosis?” I ask laughing.

“For what? For me?” She asked.

“No, for Mike.” I said.

“No. But my aunt came for my first visit and she met him and he toured us around. When we were done, she said ‘he’s really slow.’ So they must think he’s really slow then.” She said.

“The psychiatrist was the …” I say.

She continues the sentence “the ADHD guy. He’s ADHD and he diagnosed half the school as ADHD. He made me nervous so I’d move around in his office all the time. He’d be like ‘Is your leg shaking? You might have ADHD.’ I’m not joking you. Every time I went into his office, he would diagnose me with ADHD. It’s like he would diagnose so many people with ADHD, that he would forget that he had already diagnosed me with ADHD. Every time I went into his office, I would be twiddling my thumbs, or shaking my legs and he would be like ‘you’re twiddling your thumbs, you’re shaking your legs. You might have ADHD.’ And I’d walk around that room. ‘Do you think you might have ADHD?’ Everytime I’d walk into his room.” She ex-plained.

“Had he already put you on medication?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think he forgot. He put me on Strattera. And then he’d be like “How’s Strattera doing?’ I forgot why he took me off of it. And then I’d come in and walk around and he was say ‘do you think you have ADHD?’ I’d say, yeah you put me on Strattera. He wanted to put me on Ritalin and my mom said no. He wanted to put me on Adderall and my mom said no. “ She said.

“Maybe for those people you don’t really give a diagnosis, unless it’s slow, lying.” I said.

“dumb” she interrupts.

“I thought slow and dumb went together, but not necessarily. “ I said.

Pause.

“Well yeah. He had me on his MySpace page. I don’t know if he took me off be-cause I took him off. He probably took me off too. I was trying to make a joke out of it, I emailed him and said ‘please call me, I promise I won’t hang up on you.” She said.

“And I said lol.” She said.

“’I don’t find any humor in that.’ He (Ed) said.” She said.

“I was like dude, what’s wrong with you?” She said.

“’Nothing. You’re just going to regret what you said later.’ he said.” She said.

He emailed it to me. MySpace email.” She said.

“Can you still MySpace email if you’re not on the friend’s page?” I asked.

“I didn’t take him off my friends list. I just took him off my top 8. He’s still on my 500 list of friends.” She said.

“If you’re on the top 8 list, what privileges do you get that are different than the other 500?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just letting people know that these are my best-friends. And then being #1 is a big deal. I’m his #1. He’s the only one on all of MySpace that has me as his #1, except for my mom. She has made it but she never went on it again.” She said.

“Is she on your top 8?” I asked.

“No” She said.

“Is she on your list of 500?” I asked.

“yeah. She’s on the 500. Who is? My cousin, Ed, was, my best friend Alicia who went to XXXX residential treatment, my friend Ashley, etc. (all friends from XXXX residential treatment) and Trisha who I’ve known since 11 years old” She said.

“So everyone is from XXXXX residential treatment. What happened to Trisha?” I asked.

end